The World's Worst JAG Romance
by chocolatequeen
Summary: just a funny look at all the stupid things they could do...


AN: On one of the boards I frequent, we spent a lazy Monday debating all the things we don't want to see in JAG romance… in a weak moment I took the list and rewrote it in story form. This is it.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own them, blah blah blah… and after this you're probably glad I don't!  
  
Once upon a time in a land called "Pleesnotthat" there lived a young man named Harmon. Well, at least he was young at the beginning of the story, but as the years rolled by and he didn't wise up, he quickly turned into a doofus.  
  
  
  
Anyway, even though Harm was a naval pilot-turned lawyer-turned pilot- turned lawyer, he'd always had secret aspirations of a singing career. Years ago he tried out his talent on a woman named Annie, and while she didn't run screaming, she did break up with him and said, "Don't call us, we'll call you."  
  
  
  
Harm was so disheartened by this that from then on he practiced his gee- tar in private. However, one day he was in his room strumming away when he heard a giggle in the living room followed by a heavily accented voice saying "I vant to make snookie with you."  
  
  
  
"Oh Sergei... I'd love to, but everytime we kiss I keep imagining it's your brother's lips on mine, his arms holding me tight," Loren replied regretfully.  
  
  
  
Sergei was so enraged by this that brother or not (DNA test still pending) he stormed into Harm's room, grabbed the guitar from his hands, and smashed it over Harm's head. He then raced out of the apartment, yelling something about how at least Chloe likes him.  
  
  
  
The next day Harm went to the office, arriving late as usual. He got there just in time to see Bobbi Latham, dressed to kill in a slinky blue dress, saunter up to Sturgis and purr, "Hey you big stud, take me to bed or lose me forever."  
  
  
  
Isn't that a line out of some movie? Harm thought to himself as he watched Sturgis bolt. "Run as fast as you can!" someone yelled. And then suddenly the entire bullpen burst into a rendition of Tiffany's "I Think We're Alone Now."  
  
  
  
Boy, that must have been a harder hit than I usually take, Harm thought, shaking his head as he turned around. I think I'll go home and sleep it off.  
  
  
  
However, apparently the guitar to the head had affected his sense of direction as well, for he ended up at Mac's place instead. Using his spare key to get in, he found Mac lying on the couch. Running to her he exclaimed, "Mac! Are you OK?" but got no respose.  
  
  
  
Sighing with worry, Harm sat down beside her and took her hand in his. "Oh Mac, I guess you've left me," he moaned. "Well, even though it's too late, I stil lwant to tell you how I feel." So saying, he began singing "I Will Always Love You," Whitney Houston style.  
  
  
  
Just as he was about to hit the high M at the end, he felt someone tap him on the shoulder. Turning, he saw Mac standing behind him with a joyous yet sad expression. Leaping to his feet, he pulled her into his arms. "Mac! I love you!" Then he pulled back and said, "But I thought you were dead!"  
  
  
  
"That's Jingo on the couch Harm," Mac said gently. Surprised, Harm looked and sure enough, there was Jingo.  
  
  
  
Turning back to Mac, he noticed men in white coats entering her apartment. "What's going on Mac?" he asked as they took him by the arm.  
  
  
  
"It's ok Harm... They're coming to take you away, haha hehe hoho," she replied.  
  
  
  
"But Mac! I love you!" he cried as they dragged him away.  
  
  
  
"Oh Harm! We'll always have the Curb!" Mac promised tearfully.  
  
  
  
Six months later, Harm managed to escape from the minimum security nut hut in Ohio--using a paper clip of course. Running cross country, his only thought was getting to Renee in Minnesota. She'll understand, he told himself. Renee has always understood my hangups.  
  
  
  
However, when he came across a funeral procession in Michigan, he ran into none other than Cyrus. "You're not taking my big-lipped beauty from me!" the mortician growled before he decked Harm.  
  
  
  
This latest blow confuzzled the poor man even more, and he now set course for Bobbi Latham's home. I can sing to Bobbi! She's always been the woman of my dreams!  
  
  
  
Unfortunately for him, Sturgis was with her when he arrived. Once more he received a blow to the head, but this one seemed to straighten him out a little. "Sturgis! Where am I?" he asked.  
  
  
  
"You're at the love lair Bobbi and I share," the former submariner replied.  
  
  
  
"Oh! Well can you get me back to DC?" Harm asked anxiously.  
  
  
  
"Let me call you a cab."  
  
  
  
Five minutes later the taxi pulled up and Harm jumped in back. "Alexei!" he cried out in surprise when he saw the driver.  
  
  
  
"Where to boss?" the Russian asked.  
  
  
  
"The White House Rose Garden, and hurry!" Harm replied.  
  
  
  
"Are you sure boss?" he questioned as they pulled away.  
  
  
  
"Yes of course! Why do you ask?"  
  
  
  
"I am not willing to go to the insane asylum for the beautiful Colonel. I do not love her," Alexei replied.  
  
  
  
Shaking his head in exasperation, Harm said, "We won't go to the asylum Alexei, we're past that part of the story."  
  
  
  
"Well in that case boss, you just relax and we'll get there instantly in Alexei's magic taxi!" Sure enough, Harm barely had time to blink and they were there!  
  
  
  
"Thanks Alexei," he called as he climbed out.  
  
  
  
"Anytime boss," Alexei replied and vanished.  
  
  
  
Sitting down on the curb, Harm suddenly felt unsure of himself. "She said we'd always have the curb... "Vincini told me to go back to the beginning, and this is the beginning," he quoted from The Princess Bride.  
  
  
  
"Oh Sarah, I love you so much, but sometimes I wonder... of all the curbs in all the towns in all the world, why'd you have to step onto mine?"  
  
  
  
"Talking to yourself Sailor?" he heard a familiar voice say behind him.  
  
  
  
Standing, he turned slowly and took a moment just to look at her. Then he began to speak. "Hey Ninja Girl," he started, "I know you already know this since you heard me spilling my guts to your dog, but I love you. It's always been you... even when I was dating Annie and Jordan and Renee, and that one time with Bobbi, and Maria Elena Carmelita Morena Guiterrez, there was only you. There can be no other woman for me... you complete me."  
  
  
  
"Stop," she said, placing her fingers on his lips. "You had me at "Ninja Girl." Then her mouth replaced her fingers and they kissed long and deep.  
  
  
  
When they finally broke apart for air, Harm caught sight of a couple driving by and waving. "Mac, isn't that..."  
  
  
  
"The Admiral and Sydney," she confirmed. "They've been back together for two months now." Then she leaned up and kissed him once more. 


End file.
